Anthony Borrelli|ithacajournal.com
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In Ithaca, the home to two universities and a city that prides itself on inclusivity, Josie Berrios— a transgender woman— was murdered at the hands of her boyfriend in 2017.
The city is hometo a vibrant and diverse population, including residents who have joinedthe Facebook group Transgender in Ithaca, whichhas a following of more than 400. It's a social media hub where people share posts or news articles about issues affecting or about the transgender community at large.
Two of those members recently shared their stories— and their experiences help illustrate the rich tapestry of the lives of members of the transgender community.
Transgender voices in Tompkins County
One member of that group is Nick, 55, who grew up in Ithaca and works in a mid-management position with a human services agency in Tompkins County.
There's also Vanessa Taylor, 57, who has lived in the Ithaca area since 2001 and isself-employed in marketing.
Over recent years, both have been taking their own distinct paths in gender identity, decisions long-labored over and reached after toiling with the critical question: Who am I on the inside?
As the National Center for Transgender Equality puts it, being transgender means different things to different people. There's no one way to be transgender, and no one way for transgender people to look or feel about themselves.
Nick explains it this way:"People don't always understand what it's like when your brain doesn't match your body."
Wrestling with who you are
Reflecting on her own journey to identifying as a transgender woman, Vanessa can't help but laugh at herself a little, stirring up the memory of trying on women's clothing for the first time.
That felt like the opposite of a "fish out of water," Vanessa quipped on a warm early afternoon inAugust 2018.
Stepping out in public dressed in women's clothing became a slow-building exercise in confidence for Vanessa. Now, sheno longer feels bashful joining other visitors at TaughannockFalls while wearing a swimsuit.
As Vanessa strolled among the sunbathers, chatting on her phone on a late-summer afternoon of 2018, she spotted a girl who appeared to be shy about flirting with the young man who was working as a lifeguard. This kind oflighthearted moment caused Vanessa to chuckle softly as if telling this perfect stranger, "you’re a girl, you just have to go up to him and say hi!"
That kind of self-assurance didn’t happen overnight. At first, Vanessa would only wear her women's clothing out in the evening, to keep a low profile.
Nick, who asked that his last name be withheld for this article, spent a year undergoing hormone replacement therapy.He never felt completely like a girl, he said, and in his youth, he tended to be jealous of things boys could do because they were boys.
"At first I thought I was gay, " Nick said. "I liked women, but I wasn't a boy, so what else could I be?"
Speaking for herself, Vanessa calls transgender "just a term" that doesn’t completely define a person.
"Most transgender people want to go out, live their lives and be themselves," Vanessa said.
Josie Berrios' violent murder was a shock to that reality.
'Supergirl' TV star: 'Validation in myself'
The question of whether being transgender prevents a person from finding a connection in popular culture seeminglyfound its answer during the fall of 2018, in the world of superhero TV.
When CW hit "Supergirl" premieredits fourth season, 21-year-old transgender actress Nicole Maines played TV's first trans superhero,Nia Nal/Dreamer.
The TV character began her story arc asa journalist who workedalongside Supergirl's alter ego Kara Danvers, but as the season progressed, she stepped into crime-fighting—her superpowers are rooted in dreams, along with hand-to-hand combat.
"If I had had a trans superhero, someone who looks like me wearing a cape, (while) growing up, that would have changed the game," Maines told USA TODAY in October 2018. "That would have been an entire new level of validation in myselfto thinkthat I can be a superhero!"
More: 'Supergirl': Nicole Maines shows her power as TV's first transgender superhero
Maines' character's identity as a trans woman is part of her originstory, the TV show's executive producer Jessica Queller told USA TODAY.
Long before being cast in "Supergirl," Maineswas in the news as a winning litigant in a 2014 Maine Supreme Court case that gave people the right to use the bathroom of the gender with which they identify, a big advance fortransgender rights.
During childhood, Maines and her familyfaced extreme public scrutiny and harassment, leading parents Kelly and Wayne to move Nicole and her twin brother Jonas to a different school. Their story became the basis for Amy Ellis Nutt’s 2015 book, “Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family.”
Complex feelings, not living a lie
Like most transgender people, Vanessa knew at a young age that something felt different inside, but she couldn't put a finger on it.
She remembers being told at home:"You’re a boy, that’s it. Here’s your football. Go play."
Boy Scouts, Little League, drama club — they were tried and done.
Make no mistake, Vanessa adds, it was a wonderful childhood. Life was full and felt all the more enriched by everything that her parents did, and to this day, there are no regrets.
But gnawing away inside were complex feelings that remained buried for years.
Identity is more than whether or not a person adheres to social norms, Ithaca College's Luca Maurer says.
"It's insistent, consistent, persistent awareness of one's self," the school's director of LGBTQ education, outreach and services said,"that is 'I am not like the way other people are treating me.'"
Every now and then, Vanessa's mind soundedoff: "You’re a girl, you’re a girl. Knock, knock — you’re a girl!"
That’s when, in the late 1990s and early 2000s, the truth crystallized for Vanessa: "It just seemed to me that I always wanted to be a girl."
This is where things become harder to explain, as Vanessa puts it.
Feelings and perceptions of oneself and others undergo a substantial shift: Men look at women one way, but in Vanessa’s eyes at this point, it was more about wanting to be her.
Nearly three years ago, Vanessa’s mind was made up: "I’m not going to live a lie anymore. I’m not going to be someone I’m not."
Embracing the physical aspects ofgender identity
Nick was 10 or 12 when he began ponderinghis own gender identity.
In those days, as he now puts it, now-widely usedterminology such as LGBTQ and transgender "just wasn't there."
Since people were "pretty closeted," Nick said, that made it difficult to find his place. By the time he reached his 30s, he wasn't sensing he could exclusively think of himself as gay.
After researching and spending time with an Ithaca-area transgender group— he's been part of it for eight years— Nick tried some physical changes, including hormone replacement therapy.
Nick said his mannerisms have always been fairly masculine. Sometimes he watches how other men present themselves, then tries to mimic their style.
How he holds his coffee, how he makes eye contact with other people, how he nods at someone walking by— all these were little behaviors he adjusted.
The story was similar forVanessa.
Meetings with a local transgender support group and a therapist helped boost her confidence when she chose clothes that reflected her gender identity.
Today, she shakes off the occasional second glances she gets and said she feels safe and accepted in her community.
Looking in the mirror, Vanessa now says: "I love the person I see."
Three years ago, Nick changed his name from Nicole. At work, when one of the colleagues Nick supervises noticed his name change, she asked "Is this a joke?"
"No, I'm transgender," Nick answered plainly, "and it's not a joke."
Reporter Katie Sullivan Borrelli contributed to this report. Follow Anthony Borrelli on Twitter@PSBABorrelli.Support our journalism and become a digital subscriber today.Click here for our special offers.
