ORM> > 1001. City's collective IQ drops eight points, temporarily tying us with Seattle.
1000. Delegates from Kansas spotting Dave Chappelle on the streets 50 times a day.
999. Rudy Giuliani caught backstage in Nosferatu pose, muttering, "Soon all this will be mine!"
998. Protest war stories from people who spent previous 364 days watching MTV.
997. Mary Cheney forced to stop eating puss* for most of Wednesday primetime slot.
996. Osama bin Laden's name will not be mentioned by a single speaker during the convention.
995. Our weekly Al Qaeda training seminar and pot luck social was cancelled.
994. Fey, dreadlocked boys cause everyone else to question their sexuality.
993. Bush pitches himself as protector of New York, even though the state still inexplicably ranks 35th in anti-terrorism funding.
992. Aaron Brown taking chicks on limo rides to Times Square and saying, "There used to be a billboard of me here."
991. Criminal balloon profligacy on display while thousands of poor New York children go without balloons.
990. Inevitable fights with spouse, who bristles when you say Kerry isn't much better.
989. Republicans fail, for reasons that baffle even prominent Republican lawmakers, to release names of all the members of the platform committee.
988. Because NJ Transit is sealing all the trash containers on their NY-bound trains, it's Bring Your Garbage to Work Week.
987. Log Cabin Republican pigs in sh*t.
986. Protesters scatter when someone shouts, "Hey, This Old House is on!"
985. Inevitable "Markets React Favorably to Four Days of Preposterous Speeches" story.
984. Last-day riots between police and protesters just an elaborate ruse to allow Jeremy Irons to rob the Federal Reserve downtown.
983. Hot Ticket!! Nation columnist Katha Pollitt hosts spoken-word performance, "A Demonstration in Words."
982. Republican delegates in pricey hotels and eating catered food at city expense as Bush administration proposes revoking of $107 million in Section 8 housing vouchers for New York poor.
981. Wednesday-night Condi Rice Appreciation Bash at Henrietta Hudson cancelled.
980. TV audiences deprived of sole entertainment angle on convention: Viewers will not get to see the phonetic spellings in the teleprompter text of George Bush's speech.
979. Bowlmor populated by folks who can actually bowl.
978. Fad-happy GOP wives flush baby alligators down hotel toilets, guaranteeing killer gator problems down the line.
977. Jessica Cutler prefers Republicans to alt-weekly editors.
976. Inevitable Law & Order episode featuring skeleton of United for Peace and Justice organizer found mysteriously buried under Central Park boat shed.
975. Local policies quietly being determined while the newspapers are flooded with convention news (like the Dept. of Ed.'s decision to stop teaching sex-ed students how to use condoms).
974. Empty brioche racks in Zabar's.
973. Opportunistic delis rename their sandwiches: the Cheney Melt, the Bacon, Lettuce and Santorum, etc.
972. Inevitable Mike and the Mad Dog tirades against unpatriotic protesters.
971. LIRR shut down.
970. NJ Transit shut down.
969. Commuters screwed.
968. Local businesses screwed.
967. Massive numbers of foreigners watching just to find another reason to hate us.
966. More NYC bike messenger featurettes on BBC News than usual.
965. Next Norman Mailer gains early political impressions while making pretentious tadpole way through crowds.
964. Wolfowitz buys the last comb at Ricky's.
963. Republicans will pitch their call to end taxes on dividend income as a pro-senior citizen initiative.
962. Mark Green having trouble getting his message out.
961. A quarter-million angry protesters, yet none think to encircle Fox News studios to block doughnut deliveries to Roger Ailes.
960. NYU balconies off-limits to delegates.
959. When it's all over, we can look forward to the upcoming release of Oliver Stone's Alexander, starring Colin Farrell, Val Kilmer?and Angelina Jolie!
958. All the good blow bought up by Congressional pages.
957. Federal subsidy for convention security: $50 million.
956. Cuts in federal Health Community Access Program for New York's medically uninsured: $120 million.
955. Political convention host committees the last bastion of unrestricted "soft" money in American political campaigning.
954. Event encourages scrawling of elderly ACLU lawyer's name on the back of two-week-old copy of the Guardian.
953. Hours of tv facetime for loathsome Time reporter and serial flatterer Karen Tumulty.
952. Can't make jokes about killing the president.
951. General American-flag redundancy factor astronomically higher around MSG even when compared to inflated post-9/11 level.
950. Whole thing is f*cking up David Dinkins' first week at the U.S. Open.
949. Sean Hannity able to credibly claim this is his town.
948. Hard to tell if Dick Morris is hailing cab or prostitute.
947. Republicans notoriously bad tippers; local actresses forced to pick up more shifts.
946. Republicans taking 5/6 train to Bowling Green looking for a cologne factory.
945. Dave Barry column this week ruminates on the possibility of being stopped by traffic police for picking one's nose.
944. City should be emptier than this during Burning Man.
943. Gov. Pataki wistfully recalls, for journalists, the "great rock 'n' roll concerts" he's seen at Madison Square Garden.
942. Visiting Republicans gloating over revival of Bryant Park. 9/11
941. The Republican Party's thinly veiled attempts to milk the 9/11 tragedy for political gain, as evidenced by:
940. Their decision to hold the convention here in the first place.
939. Their original plan, since canceled, to lay the foundation of the Freedom Tower during convention week.
938. The title of the convention's opening night: "A Nation of Courage," featuring Rudy Giuliani.
937. RNC press release notes that Giuliani will "speak to the courage of the American people, seen through the acts of bravery of a city that saw tragedy and great acts of heroism on Sept.11, 2001."
936. In an interview with the New York Times, Giuliani says about 9/11: "It has to be an issue in the election. Not discussing it would be like conducting an election for Abraham Lincoln and not discussing the Civil War."
935. White House advisor Matthew Dowd says for Bush not to mention 9/11 "would be like Roosevelt not talking about Pearl Harbor."
934. In fact, Roosevelt didn't mention Pearl Harbor at the 1944 Democratic convention.
933. Giuliani tells Meet the Press on the day before the convention starts: "My message will be one of leadership, that President Bush has demonstrated during maybe some of the most difficult days in our history."
932. Even though federal cuts have led to the closings of six New York City firehouses, Bush intends to visit a firehouse.
931. George Will on the convention: "As Republicans convene less than four miles from Ground Zero, the presidential contest is crystallized by that proximity."
930. The Democrats opened the door for this with their own 9/11 tribute during DNC.
929. You find yourself annoyed by the protesters, until you pick up the Daily News the editors bitching about the supporters of "anarchy or communism or nihilism or baby seals or Bobby Seale?whatever."
928. That's when you wish that someone would do something really drastic. And then you're back to being annoyed with the protesters.
927. Chinese Communist Party will think this is "what Democracy looks like," setting democratic reforms back 50 years. 926. Swift Boat story knocked off front pages just as it was starting to backfire.
925. New York Times guide for delegates includes address of Friends establishing shot.
924. In their editorial, Times braintrust references Bush's campaign "proscenium."
923. In another Times editorial, Ron Rosenbaum, in his welcome piece celebrates doo-wop as part of the local culture.
922. Times guide also includes translation of word "Yo!" for visitors (it's a "common salutation").
921. Osama bin Laden getting high and stuffing his face with Cheetos as he watches with amusem*nt.
920. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 1: Winner of MTV's Republican-inspired "Stand Up and Holla!" contest to speak at the convention.
919. Hitler-Jugend Vol. 1.A: Winner of MTV's "Stand Up and Holla!" contest, Arkansas' Princella Smith, said the president "inspires us to be what I call Generations X-ample...our generation of 18-year-old soldiers can take a stand."
918. They can take limb-severing shrapnel, too, but that goes unmentioned.
917. Pete Hamill uses word "flaneur" in welcome-to-New York column in the Times.
916. News media seeks out reaction of: Moby.
915. Khaki pants at Gap no longer half-off.
914. The guy in front of you for the crapper is Grover Norquist.
913. Shushed at bar for asking patrons to turn off O'Reilly Factor.
912. Republican males "go native" by untucking their shirts.
911. NYC masseuses tired of explaining concept of "happy ending."
910. Whistles: annoying outside of protests. Annoying during protests.
909. Repeat sightings of Brad Pitt character from True Romance.
908. Falun Gong lost in the crowd.
907. Daily News "PLAY NICE" headline.
906. Would-be somber antiwar protest looks a lot more like a sex-and-drugs-free liberal arts Mardi Gras in which everybody has a swell time and meets new people to have coffee with.
905. Can't find a copy of The Business Secrets of Attila the Hun in town.
904. Absence of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Gary Bauer from speaking program leaves Rick Santorum as only entertaining religious loony in program.
903. Donna Sheehan, founder of nude protest group Baring Witness, on political strategy: "At any time or place, any woman might expose all?and I mean all?for peace and justice. Her only intent is to seduce men into listening."
902. Sheehan is in her seventies.
901. Legal observers, for all their trouble, never get laid. ^^^ 900. Conservatives in town posing as limousine liberals?and vice-versa.
899. Taxis won't go to our neighborhood.
898. Naked Cowboy won't pose with Democrats.
897. The Associated Press' syndicated web featurette "Inside the Convention Hall" plays "Happy Days Are Here Again" every time you load it.
896. Liberal group called f*ck the Vote busses in dozens of volunteers with the intention of screwing delegates in exchange for allegiance to the Democratic Party?instead of just giving it up to overworked journalists.
895. Blue Man Group renamed White Man Group.
894. Every time a delegate uses a Diebold ATM they say, "This is the same company that's gonna help us steal the next one."
893. Diebold buys out Times Square billboard monitors.
892. Alex P. Keaton look-alikes get their taxis hailed before us.
891. Investment bankers no longer the only obvious jerks in town.
890. Mock disco-dancing appearance by Staten Island Republican Congressman Vito Fossella at the "Sunday Night Fever Party" at Roseland Ballroom.
889. We're not kidding about that Fossella item.
888. At Crobar's Tribute to Southern Delegations, hard to tell which is the Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band and which is the real band.
887. Lynyrd Skynyrd-hosted Tribute to Southern Delegations at Crobar thick with good-ol' shared assumptions and unspoken understanding.
886. Minimum three-hour wait at midtown Olive Garden.
885. Counter-protesters at Sunday's rally chanting, "No Such Thing as Palestine."
884. Counter-protesters defame one of the few good lines in original Star Wars, calling U.N. a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."
883. Counter-protesters wearing t-shirt with pictures of Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney and Johnny Ramone, with the caption, "The Classics."
882. Off-message protesters with "Get U.S. Troops Out of Korea" sign.
881. The last time Schwarzenegger was on film in New York was Last Action Hero. Clearly, no good can come of this.
880. The dastardly Dolan family that owns MSG is cleaning up.
879. "Dykes against Bush" t-shirts?because "Dykes for Bush" t-shirts would rock so much harder.
878. Influx of county sheriffs means citizen arrests for smoking weed sure to shoot way up.
877. No after-counter-convention rave at Ground Zero.
876. Pestilence, rivers running with blood, locusts.
875. Every female at the Sunday rally who was not wearing a bra really should have been wearing a bra.
874. Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's band, Capitol Offense, will be performing at the party for Republican governors.
873. The party for Republican governors is the only event taking place in a borough other than Manhattan.
872. We couldn't get a ticket.
871. Log Cabin Republicans create run on meth.
870. We can't catch them saying it on tape.
869. Republican Attorneys General Association Brunch to include discussion of nation's exposed-marble-tittie crisis.
868. Extra horse sh*t on the streets.
867. "My daddy's the president."?First Daughter Jenna Bush in New York, explaining who she is to actress Jennifer Coolidge.
866. At the "W Stands for Women" briefing at the Waldorf, nobody stood up and screamed, "It stands for 'Walker'!"
865. Bush family friend Jerry Falwell leads the shadow convention in a prayer, asking God to destroy New York once and for all sometime in late October.
864. John Ashcroft not scheduled to sing "Let the Eagle Soar."
863. Not in front of the nation, anyway.
862. Education secretary Rod Paige's request not to wear lawn- jockey uniform again is denied.
861. The inevitable attempts to place flowers in the barrels of NYPD assault rifles.
860. Local hairdressers unable to imitate Laura Bush hairstyle.
859. Forty-five salons close.
858. Staten Island Ferry blasted for not having a VIP section.
857. Dean & Deluca clerk harassed over store's lack of grits.
856. Delegates from Missouri spotting Jackie Chan on the streets 50 times a day.
855. Bob Avakian, cult of personality Chairman of the Revolutionary Communist Party, finding convention-week opportunities to push his new lecture documentary, Revolution: Why It's Necessary, Why It's Possible, What It's All About.
854. William F. Buckley not getting beaten silly by Gore Vidal on NBC every night.
853. Along with pompous son Christopher's welcome piece in the Times, means conservative Republican/Buckley paradigm not yet a thing of the past.
852. Though the city is spending $78 million on security, we still feel compelled to take our front tire and bike seat with us when we lock-down two blocks from MSG.
851. Finding out that there really is a way to increase traffic in Midtown.
850. Delegates think we should be honored.
849. Bloomberg thinks we should be honored.
848. Our mother thinks we should be honored.
847. New standard of "real girlfriend experience" on ny-eros.com includes ordering maid around and wearing pearls.
846. Visiting women in expensive shoes overheard screeching, "Ohmigod! I feel, like, so Carrie Bradshaw!"
845. A heavily made-up Katherine Harris makes rare, non-voter-list-scrubbing appearance.
844. Ari Fleischer back from the corporate-board dead to sign autographs and look like human worm.
843. Even more dudes in McSorley's than usual.
842. Lynne Cheney contemplates legality and timing of surprise inspections of city schools syllabi.
841. Strand staffers grumpier than usual.
840. Frustrated Tom Tomorrow to create massive, 4398-panel masterpiece of droll, defeatist liberal irony.
839. We've beaten up on Ted Rall so much in the last two years that doing so now would be redundant.
838. Level-III ballistic control booths, double-sally port configurations, nine perimeter checkpoints, 20-nautical-mile restrictive fly zone and USAF combat patrols.
837. No Rage Against the Machine reunion show at SummerStage.
836. If Larry King and Charlie Rose catch sight of each other in the walkway alongside Talk Show Row, all hell's gonna break loose?
835. ?Unless there's an open bottle of Old Granddad anywhere near Rose.
834. New York's Buddhists gently chuckling at how silly and un-centered everyone else is, spend week pretending not to understand what the fuss is.
833. Michael Moore's USA Today guest column.
The Media Falls in Line
832. New York City Media Welcome bash gives Time-Warner mall much-needed boost.
831. Leading the Post's Robert George to exclaim: "A mall with free drinks and appetizers is more than just a mall!"
830. At mall party, Editor & Publisher's Jennifer Saba reports: "a striking blond artist and former intern for Vice" named Carol Salomonson claimed that Larry King checked her out.
829. Salomonson described it as the "skivviest thing."
828. Salomonson meant "skeeviest."
827. Al Franken's shout-things-about-Bush-out-your-windows idea an ineffectual extension of his idiotic radio concept.
826. Al Franken thinks he's too important and serious to do Stuart Smalley anymore.
825. Al Franken is wrong.
824. So, is Penn Station open or not?
823. So, is the post office open or not?
822. Delegates think our streets are normally this clean.
821. Delegates think our subways are normally this clean.
820. Delegates think our homeless are normally this missing.
819. Lingering close-ups of Mel Gibson and his dad in the VIP section trying to look like they don't know they're on tv.
818. Motorcycle cops riding down 14th St. in bombing-run formation, a cigarette dangling out of the leader's mouth.
817. Sept. 1 is moving day for thousands.
816. Now the world knows: Our cops really do look like the Village People.
815. Bill Bennett takes suitcase of virtues with him on midweek junket to Foxwoods.
814. RNC delegates won't shut up about Museum of Natural History's evolution exhibit.
813. Abu Ghraib-themed nights at S&M club no longer funny.
812. Festivities end Thursday, depriving world of chance to learn from the people who invented Casual Friday.
811. Massive comeback for the Ghostbusters logo.
810. Recurring Stay Puff Marshmallow Man nightmares triggered by return of Ghostbusters logo.
809. NYPD sniper nests.
808. Abraham Lincoln not arisen from the dead to say, "Dude, where's my party?"
807. Teen Wolf impossible to find in Blockbusters.
806. Quadrupling number of official Kerry-Edwards campaign e-alerts.
805. The largest ATF force ever gathered in U.S. history.
804. Exacerbating late-August lull in service industry.
803. Five total arrests at the DNC vs. 500 in NYC before the convention even began should tell people something.
802. Five total arrests at the DNC vs. 500 in NYC before the conventions even began should tell Republicans something.
801. Old Guatemalan dudes playing crap versions of "Imagine" in the subways. ^^^ 800. More Kerry windsurfing pictures.
799. Youth reporters.
798. Broadway performers knuckling under after threatening a sit-out.
797. The Passion of the Christ 50-pack for churches: $1400.
796. He's Greg Stillson, people!
795. If it weren't for the convention, we wouldn't have to worry about anything on this list.
794. Fox News debuts "Terrorism Quiz."
793. Likelihood that Schwarzenegger will say something like, "Bush'll be back."
791. Post hack Dan Mangan predictably quotes lowball estimates of protest numbers, ignoring wide agreement that around half a million marched.
790. Post c*nt Andrea Peyser interviews a tween girl, Michael Moore and a Raelian?makes sweeping judgment about dissent.
789. "We will be joined this week by thousands?in the government employee unions and radical environmental movement, and abortion activists and anti-war protestors? Please remember that, though this is our convention week, Democrats are free to exercise their First Amendment right." ?From a full-page ad/letter from Ed Gillespie to "Convention Friends" placed in Monday editions of the Journal and Post.
788. Of four Post images of Sunday protest, one is a kid getting arrested, one of a "masked demonstrator"?in glasses and Tevas?running away from a burning papier-mache dragon effigy.
787. Daily News is almost as bad.
786. Ninety-one words into his fawning introductory convention kick-off speech, mayor brings up 9/11, setting tone for weeklong exploitation fest.
785. William Safire unable to restrain boner for Norman Podhoretz's aggressive plan to fight "World War IV," ejacul*tes on readers before closing Monday column with soothing pillow talk on convention strategy.
784. Norman Podhoretz's plan for fighting World War IV is the same as that found in the RNC platform.
783. Said plan is a flour, water, sugar and egg recipe for accelerating the war/terror/war cycle until everyone is dead.
782. Later in speech, Bloomberg paraphrases Abe Lincoln and name-drops Jackie Robinson in attempt to link current GOP to historic battles for social justice.
781. Men in cowboy hats.
780. Women in cowboy hats.
779. Dallas Cowboys fans.
778. The myth of Rudy as hero on 9/11 taken out of deep-freeze, pumped full of bloodlike liquid, injected with vitamins. It lives!
777. City officially proclaims "Welcome Peaceful Protestors." City does not proclaim "Welcome Peaceful Delegates."
776. Loathsome bad-hair pop capitalist icon Donald Trump hosts Wednesday fundraiser for loathsome bad-hair Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter.
775. Trump introduced to visiting Republicans as the "Big Apple's Big Daddy."
774. Port security still a joke.
773. "I believe President Bush is a good Christian." ?Fellow Good Christian Bill Clinton, speaking Sunday at Riverside Church.
772. Secret Service officers giving children Secret Service pins on the sidewalk.
771. Walking growth hormones hold "Smackdown Your Vote!" event at New Yorker Hotel.
770. Pro-choice march includes free drinks of "Venus Water for Women."
769. C-SPAN's ongoing efforts to slicken up image still hard to watch without wincing.
768. Sight of Dick Cheney, the descendent of Puritan-era British immigrants to New England?spelled "Cheyney" originally?making beeline to Ellis Island for first NYC photo-op.
767. GOP platform cites "social science" in stating opposition to gay marriage.
766. Delegates who have waited lifetimes to see Wall Street.
765. Networks playing along and replaying images of planes hitting towers?
764. ?and Bush at Ground Zero with the bullhorn.
763. The use of the phrase "personal" retirement accounts instead of "privatized."
762. Bloomberg taking every available opportunity to rehash his "coming out joke" from his mayoral campaign.
761. Groundswell among conservative commentators urges comparison to 1944 FDR convention.
760. Advertising Research Foundation survey finds only one in five Americans believes convention-week tv ads by both candidates are "annoying."
759. White House Chief of Staff Andy Card tells Wall Street Journal he is openly rooting for the Red Sox to catch the Yankees.
758. Republicans launch Backtothe Mainstream.org, an internet activism site to counter MoveOn.org.
757. Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney giving everyone his card, memorizing reporter names in preparation for 2008.
756. A&E announced this week original movie about the life of John McCain, Faith in My Fathers.
755. Close-ups of tears in the crowd during Gatlin Brothers rendition of the national anthem.
754. Pataki makes halfhearted attempts to distance himself from amazingly unfunny play, John F. Kerry: He's No JFK, which depicts Hillary Clinton as a tough lesbian.
753. Within minutes of the convention formally opening on Monday, Dennis Hastert compares Bush to Lincoln.
752. Hastert once called New York's efforts to obtain homeland security money "unseemly."
751. And this week said, "Those folks did a great job with the money we got for them," referring to convention preparations that cost city millions in own money.
750. Hastert will spend the entire convention week playing bash-the-piñata with fat corporate donors, including such functions as:
749. A party in Hastert's honor at Tavern on the Green hosted by General Motors?
748. A party in honor of Hastert's wife on Tuesday, hosted by the Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad?
747. A museum party for Hastert thrown by Motorola?
746. An "Irish lunch" for Hastert hosted by the Akin Gump lobbying firm?
745. A reception for Hastert hosted by Union Pacific?
744. And another lunch for Hastert on the final day, hosted by SBC.
743. As another GOP convention showcases diverse faces and cuddly rhetoric, party strategists admit top priority behind the scenes is energizing far-right Christian base.
742. French Revolution: no puppets. Paris Commune: no puppets. Russian Revolution: no puppets. Gandhi's nonviolent overthrow of the British: no puppets. Velvet Revolution: no puppets.
741. Aug. 29, 2004: puppets.
740. Nationwide shortage on cardboard tubes; millions of hamsters homeless.
739. Uppity do-gooders at Habitat for Humanity reject proposal to build shelters from discarded protest tubes.
738. Cardboard tubes too flimsy and lightweight for back-alley gang-sodomy of RNC volunteer who wandered too far from the Garden.
737. Dystopic corporate presence, such as:
736. General Motors gives more than 200 vehicles?
735. ?and a Travis Tritt concert.
734. The Cartier Mansion hosts party for Henry Bonilla.
733. Nissan and the American Gas Association honor Frist and Lamar Alexander and the Tennessee delegates at Sotheby's.
732. Johnny Cash adopted as Republican symbol by way of the above-mentioned party at Sotheby's, where an auction of Johnny and June Carter Cash memorabilia will be held in September.
731. (Rosanne Cash remains silent.)
730. Monday Golf Tournament named in honor of Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who explained his lack of Vietnam service this way in 1988: "So many minority youths had volunteered for the well-paying military positions to escape poverty and the ghetto, that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself."
729. "Literally."
728. Sixteen years later, that's still funny.
727. Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps calling us a bunch of girlymen.
726. We're forced to remember that he's actually governor of California.
725. His visit is subsidized by 15 corporations, including the three major networks.
724. Cost of trip: $350,000
723. No one notices that his man-tit* have grown weak and saggy; big-media fails to ridicule them.
722. And yet, there weren't nearly enough pyrotechnics when he took the stage.
721. When opened, the invitation to John McCain's Wednesday party plays the Abba song, "Mamma Mia!"
720. Indiana Jones theme music played to McCain's entrance.
719. Filthy hippies from Vermont in knit hats.
718. Hijacking of nature's most perfect gift for political purposes: the rainbow.
717. Media, Republicans and protesters all going about their business oblivious to fact that, for all intents and purposes, Dick Cheney is the man being nominated on Thursday, not George W. Bush.
716. Face paint on non-Native Americans.
715. Influx of PETA activists leading restaurants to drop live monkey brains from menus.
714. New York's elephants will never forget what we did to them.
713. Snickering groups of cops leering at female teenage protesters.
712. Amy Sohn's top-secret convention article ("I can't tell you more or I will be scooped") was about?drum roll?sex workers prepping for the RNC. Way to go, Amy.
711. In reality, quite a large percentage of the city's independent prostitutes left town.
710. And took their advertising with them.
709. No Logo author Naomi Klein in town to continue making a living upon backs of real activists.
708. With Bush and Schwarzenegger in scoring position, A-Rod grounds out weakly to short.
707. Jowly sad*st Brit Hume complaining, in that stentorian voice of his, about protesters using the "f-word."
706. Opening night of convention features remarks by 9/11 relatives.
705. They didn't announce the 9/11 relatives on the lineup until the last minute.
704. Having to listen to Rudy Giuliani compare Bush to Winston Churchill.
703. Opening night coverage on FoxNews channel interrupted by frequent updates of voir dire proceedings in Kobe trial.
702. Bush's Monday afternoon "I don't think you can win it" remark about the War on Terrorism a dead story by sundown.
701. Republican decision to advertise their use of "biodegradable" balloons as embarrassing and transparent as BP's new green-friendly logo. ^^^ 700. Chris Matthews quoting his Republican delegate brother: "[Kerry] can't be elected president. He looks like a tree."
699. Republicans actually using mock elephant calls in lieu of gavel to call delegates to order.
698. News media seeks out reaction of: Sexual Chocolate and the White Boys.
697. Filipino Siamese twins separated in New York on Day 1 of convention. Bill O'Reilly and Bono brought together there on Day 3.
696. Ron Reagan's hip tieless look.
695. RNC's "Live from New York, it's the Republican Convention!" SNL spoof video intro like watching your mother get tag-teamed by hyenas.
694. Dennis Kucinich puts on makeup and a pearl choker, goes on The O'Reilly Factor disguised as Mary Matalin.
693. News media seeks out reaction of: Rosario Dawson.
692. The phrase, "Republicans sought to portray?"
691. The phrase, "Democrats countered?"
690. The cheery, cream-colored casual sport coats worn by Tom Brokaw and Joe Scarborough on opening night.
689. The serious-as-cancer blue and gray suits worn by same on the night of the finale.
688. Bob Costas finds that one elusive, bookish, chin-stroking "Aha!" angle on the whole thing that everybody missed.
687. News media seeks out reaction of: Lynn Swann.
686. Ben-wa balls discovered on convention floor near Illinois delegation go unclaimed despite repeated announcements by Convention Jockeys.
685. McCain speaking on Bush's behalf despite the fact that Bush's team dubbed him a traitor in 2000, made insinuations about his wife's drug use and allegedly circulated racist leaflets about his adopted Bangladeshi daughter.
684. TRL audience consists entirely of soccer moms.
683. Michael Moore stage-dives; 10 protestors hospitalized.
682. Incidents of juvenile delinquents mugging tourists for athletic shoes outstripped by hipsters mugging delegates for vintage polyester suits.
681. Wax ass on figure of Reagan at Madame Tussauds completely kissed off.
680. Show-World displays own version of "trickle-down" economics.
679. Paul Wolfowitz eyes up ConEd, begins laying intellectual groundwork for new energy company, NeoConEd.
678. The Garden's two jumbotron-style screens flashing "THANK YOU NEW YORK" for days on end.
677. "Table" more verb than noun: "NYC SOA Watch will be tabling in Washington Square Park on Saturday."
676. The NYC Host Committee's Vision Statement: "New York City, with its unparalleled diversity, creativity and palpable energy, is the most compelling stage for the Republican National Convention. / New York City, the world's gateway to freedom and opportunity, inspires and embodies the American spirit, which was founded on entrepreneurialism, freedom, liberty, patriotism, innovation, courage and optimism for a bright future."
675. So busy protesting, we missed the Bennigan's grand opening at 47th & 8th.
674. All Arabs out of town, can't get a decent couscous.
673. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 2: Celebrity sea-monster couple Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon to address Republican Youth Convention.
672. Sehorn won't get any tackles there, either.
671. Not for the first time, we envy the inhabitants of the world's peaceful cities?like Belgrade, and Kinshasa.
670. Loose local women sport-f*cking delegates.
669. NYPD's policy of "take only photographs, leave only footprints" unfortunately applied to protesters and their heads.
668. For the first time in New York City history, gay tourists not allowed to act gay.
667. Village blues club Fat Black puss*cat renamed Freedom Black puss*cat.
666. Unsuspecting churchgoers can't handle their ecstasy at Avalon.
665. "Do you know where the Seinfeld diner is?"
664. Penn Station playing Toby Keith over loudspeaker instead of classical music.
663. Somehow, those crazy U.N. delegates don't seem so bad anymore.
662. Somehow, day-tripping Jersey families don't seem so bad anymore.
661. Somehow, having bamboo shoots driven under our fingernails, being strapped to a lounge chair, forced to watch Sex and the City reruns with a car battery attached to our genitals doesn't seem so bad anymore.
660. Longer line at Scores.
659. MSNBC tagline: "Ready?Set?GOP"
658. Tom Brokaw still asymptomatic for anthrax.
657. Bloomberg telling us that unless you live within a few blocks of the Garden, you won't know there's a convention going on.
656. Traffic cops clearly wish that jaywalking was cause for lethal force.
655. NYPD Robocop-prototype unveiling closed to public; white penguin tux dinner to be co-hosted by Commissioner Kelly, Giuliani, Rumsfeld and Bruce Ratner.
654. Convention overshadows Israel gold medal in windsurfing.
653. Ditto Rulon Gardner's retirement.
652. Our GPS-enabled subdermal microchip malfunctioned on Monday night, placed us in the Garden during Giuliani's speech. Our inbox is now filled with pro-life spam.
651. Greeks protest Powell's planned visit, get results. New Yorkers protest RNC's planned visit?to bemusem*nt of Republican officials.
650. And their own mayor.
649. Fat suburbanite and Q104 DJ Zach Martin cries on the air like an incontinent baby about being inconvenienced by protesters.
648. The Tick Tock Diner at 34th & 8th now called the Convention Diner.
647. RNC badges clash with power-blue shirts.
646. Macy's broadcasts Fox News on its Herald Square outdoor tv.
645. Ran into numerous former lovers at the protest.
644. With the Village Idiot closed, Brooks and Dunn may end up at our local.
643. Recent poll placed Jeb Bush as the favorite choice of current Republicans for 2008.
642. With Jeb Bush in New York, chance that Jeb Bush will be swept away by Hurricane Frances is reduced to almost zero.
641. Authorities hire the Fuji blimp as an "alternative intelligence-gathering tool."
640. We just know those guys up there are sneaking peaks down our girlfriend's shirt.
639. Poor ol' Fuji blimp ain't never gonna be the same.
638. BladeRunner looking more like documentary every day.
637. Republican organizers asked the city to take Naked Boys Singing! off its official tourism website.
636. The city responded by taking the show off its list of discounted theater productions for delegates.
635. Our gay cousin's big break in Naked Boys Singing! goes unnoticed.
634. As part of their deal with New York City to bring the convention here, the Republicans sought and obtained $2.2 million in public money to pay for 56 parties for state and local delegations.
633. They sought an additional $2.4 million for media, volunteer and hotel staff parties.
632. And a million for decorations, which include:
631. One hundred and twenty f*cking thousand red, white and blue balloons.
630. Estimated total cost of convention to New York: $165 million.
629. Money could have actually been spent on a Fan Appreciation/Free DVD Player Day at Shea.
628. Amount of cuts in subsidized state child care proposed by California governor and Day Two speaker Arnold Schwarzenegger: $165 million
627. Mayor Bloomberg: "Assuming I get re-elected, I will try very hard to get both Republican and Democratic conventions in four years."
626. Bloomberg personally contributed $7 million to the RNC.
625. Ergo: Reasonable to expect the same in 2008.
624. At this rate, he'll go broke in the year 3064.
The P.A.'s Line of Defense
623. The Port Authority's "anti-terror truck," designed to "detect weapons of mass destruction" was proudly declared the "only one of its kind."
622. NY1 profiled the truck: "Everything in the vehicle is a normal police suburban, but once they put all the radiation equipment in it, they hardwire it into the normal police siren," said Port Authority Special Operations Officer Michael Warnock.
621. NY1 then ran clear footage of the truck, complete with shots of the "hard-wired" equipment. It's number 53870; the license plate is 59800.
620. (By the way, guys, the Magical Fairy from the Super Duper Bad-People-Catching Squad in the Land of Imaginary Mechanical Band Aids called: He wants his expensive minivan back.)
619. According to Ed Gillespie, the entertainers scheduled to appear "reflect the broad appeal of President George W. Bush." They are:
618. Michael W. Smith
617. Daniel Rodriguez
616. Daize Shayne
615. The Gatlin Brothers
614. Elisabeth Hasselbeck
613. Sara Evans
612. Dana Glover
611. Ron Silver (yes, that Ron Silver)
610. Choppers creating hellish audio hallucinations while on acid.
609. Like L.A., we will soon be dealing with choppers all the time.
608. TV executives don't give a sh*t about what anyone is actually saying.
607. Shameless GOP pandering for crucial Williamsburg vote.
606. Pedicab drivers ordered to outfit bikes with some sort of fossil-fuel-burning device.
605. "Shove it" versus "Go f*ck yourself" argument between Teresa Heinz and Dick Cheney not caught on-camera.
604. The arrival of Karl Rove's partial-birth deformed head reminds us of our own physical imperfections.
603. City's "media to non-working media ratio" raised to uncomfortable 1-to-1.
602. Fashionable anti-Bush sentiment will soon no longer be fashionable.
601. We still don't know how to spell "koom-bay-ya." ^^^ 600. Indymedia people getting a little too big for their britches.
599. Friends and colleagues who leave town and say goodbye like they're never going to see you again.
598. We wish that was true.
597. Taxpayer-funded therapy for delegates at St. Vincent Catholic Medical Centers, where Dr. Spencer Eth, the centers' medical director of behavioral health, said: "Many of the people at the convention are coming from far away and probably haven't been exposed to this level of security. We expect that even if there isn't an incident from a protester or a terrorist, [delegates] are going to be more anxious as a result of being aware of the danger."
596. American flag in the shape of America behind podium at RNC.
595. Ghost of Patrick Ewing either unable or unwilling to fart during Bush's acceptance speech.
594. Comparisons to 1968.
593. Massive injection of White Christianity into Manhattan may make non-Latino residents start thinking about God.
592. 3000 WTC dead unable to protest Bush's ineptitude or his subsequent stonewalling of 9/11 Commission.
591. Having to decide whether you're with them or against them.
590. Todd Gitlin masturbating over the fact that the Whole World Is Watching.
589. River Navigation Commission forced to change acronym.
587. Breaking non-news from the convention floor.
586. Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe calling Zell Miller "Zig-Zag Zell," instead of calling him "dickhe*d traitor to his party and his country."
585. This is the moment Miller has been waiting for all his life.
584. Urge to offer wrong directions to visiting delegates makes us feel childish.
583. Total media blackout of everything else in the world.
582. Bearded Wahhabi Muslims bent on hellish destruction of America made to feel even more uncomfortable reading the Koran on the subway.
581. Burlesque variety show production of My Pet Goat didn't live up to expectations.
580. Mind-numbing, all-consuming scripted pseudo-event universally accepted as the "political Superbowl."
579. Delegates from Idaho spotting George Lopez on the streets 50 times a day.
578. Cheering, stomping delegates register 4.3 on the Richter scale.
577. This hasn't happened at a Knicks game since 1994.
576. "Attack" Democrats readying machine-gun belts of rapid-response press releases nobody will read.
575. Bush Twins activate!
574. ?Form of a budding socialite fearful of losing her allowance.
573. ?Shape of future society scandal bearing the scars of three abortions and the stink of her father's evil.
572. Fearful that Moroccan stamp in our passport makes us an enemy of the state?
571. ?When actually it just means we're upwardly mobile gay pedophiles.
570. Bearded, America-hating United for Peace and Justice organizers can't appreciate how much work goes into maintaining a nice lawn.
569. GOP operatives in furry dolphin suits meant to represent Kerry's flip-flops.
568. "Dol-fun" title pun on Lloyd Grove's write-up of the suits.
567. Thousands of gallons of gas consumed, tons of CO2 expended during hours of extended midtown gridlock.
566. "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President"?
565. Laura Bush's blank stare may rip what scientists call a "vapidity wormhole" in the fabric of the universe, sucking the city and most of the tri-state area into timeless void of nothingness.
564. Millions of "Bush Lied" stickers?everywhere, forever, on everything.
563. Having to confront Office of Emergency Management Commissioner Joseph Bruno's jet-black rug while he dodges questions about terrorism by talking about preparing for "the weather."
562. The mayor telling us to buck up, it won't be so bad.
561. Billionaires for Bush growing more tiresome by the nanosecond.
560. New York Press distribution reduced by 45 percent?
559. ?Circulation Dept. reports zero complaints.
558. Dennis Miller certain to make Cat Stevens-protestor joke.
557. Due to overly scripted nature of event, Henry Kissinger unable to plot last-minute nomination of Gerald Ford for vice president.
556. Milton Glaser's plan to protest by turning on the city's many light bulbs.
555. Exposed pit hair.
554. Crackpot paranoids don't seem so crackpot, not so paranoid.
553. The Brown Bunny is totally gonna be sold out all week.
552. Elizabeth Dole allowed to lecture nation.
551. The help suddenly has excuses for being late.
550. Patriotic Hummer limos.
549. Almost makes you wish the Republicans had just picked some island in the Atlantic.
548. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 3: Noted young person Andy Card to be a key speaker at the Bush youth convention.
547. When it's over, Bloomberg will still have no clout in Washington.
546. Tom Ridge could get drunk and falsely declare major attack on city, thus delegitimizing whole color-coded alert system.
545. It's virtually impossible to find Waldo.
544. Wilford Brimley hiding in shadows with insurance pitch.
543. Craigslist New York City sublets section a total mess.
542. No one wanted to rent our apartment for the week.
541. New Yorkers forced to bet against themselves in terror pools.
540. Tom Clancy joke remains elusive.
539. Pat Buchanan not on hand to go completely apesh*t about the culture war.
538. Rob Reiner watching convention on eight different television sets simultaneously, shouting orders to Moveon's NYC HQ from Beverly Hills.
537. Everybody spelling history with a capital "H."
536. Wolf Blitzer reasserts seriousness; gives beard extra precision trim.
535. NYU students inconvenienced.
534. But not enough.
533. Woody Allen drag
